


just a series of blurs like i never occurred

by humanluke



Series: 5sos prompts [4]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, M/M, rated T for language tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:59:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27510397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanluke/pseuds/humanluke
Summary: Calum had always wanted more. He was the kind of person who was insatiable, who wanted nothing more than to be loved by someone else and be able to love them in return.  He settled for what he’d had with Ashton -- sure, it was secret, it wasn’t everything he dreamed of. But it was enough for him. He fell hook, line, and sinker for every little white lie that rolled off of Ashton’s silver tongue at night, as they moved together in the dark.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Series: 5sos prompts [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019475
Kudos: 11





	just a series of blurs like i never occurred

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! here is some angst that is based off of a prompt that was sent to me by [brooke](http://blackbutterfliescal.tumblr.com)! this is just some sadness for you on this wednesday! i hope you all enjoy! as always you can come yell at me on [tumblr](http://cakelftv.tumblr.com)! title is taken from someday you will be loved by death cab for cutie (which i looped along with tiny vessels while writing)

Things had started out so easily for them. They were happy, they were in love. They just went hand in hand so easily, when it started. Stolen kisses in the dark, long talks under the neon lights streaming through hotel room windows, quietly making love to one another and whisperings of ‘i love you’ whenever they could make it happen for the two of them. 

But then the tour ended, and they had to go back to their real lives. Had to pretend none of it ever happened, really. They’d never told Michael or Luke, never thought it important, thought they were just being casual with one another. 

Or rather, _Ashton_ thought they were being casual with one another. It was easy for him to whisper lies in the dark, make Calum think what he wants, think that they wanted the same things here. But it was all a facade -- Ashton never wanted those things. Ashton didn’t want anything outside of the dimly lit hotel rooms, the late nights on the tour bus, all of that. He just wanted to have some fun after the show, release the adrenaline that had built up in his veins like fire. 

Calum had always wanted more. He was the kind of person who was insatiable, who wanted nothing more than to be loved by someone else and be able to love them in return. He settled for what he’d had with Ashton -- sure, it was secret, it wasn’t everything he dreamed of. But it was enough for him. He fell hook, line, and sinker for every little white lie that rolled off of Ashton’s silver tongue at night, as they moved together in the dark. 

Once tour ended, Calum thought it could be more of the same. Or maybe even have something more. He wanted so desperately for there to be more. He ached for it, craved the love and validation that his time with Ashton brought him. No matter how many other people he’d tried to find it with before, it didn’t bring him the same satisfaction that being with Ashton ever did. 

Which is how he ended up on his doorstep, a week after tour ended. He knew he shouldn’t be there, he knew Ashton had been clear when they’d seen each other last that their arrangement was an on tour only thing. That they need not get too comfortable with one another. But Calum was craving his touch, needed it, wanted it, ached for it. He knocks on his door, nervous on his feet as he waits for the door. 

When Ashton swings the door open, his brow furrowing at the very sight of Calum there, tugging at the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Calum looks to him, that hungry, needy look in his eyes, mixed with the misery of knowing that this can’t happen anymore after this. 

“What are you doing here, Cal,” Ashton says. There’s worry laced into the edges of his words, but he’s also firm, like he’s telling him off. They both know he shouldn’t be there. Yet here he is, in his doorframe, looking at him like that. Like a broken shell of a person, who can only be patched up by the lies Ashton loves to tell him. “I told you it was over.”

“I know,” he says, and there’s a pleading tone to his voice, sprinkled with desperation as he looks him over. “Just this once, I swear, I just… I miss you. God, I fucking love you, Ashton, this is all I’ve ever wanted and you’re just going to stand there and pretend that everything we did didn’t mean a fucking thing to you? I know you told me that, I know you ended it, but Jesus Christ, Ash. You fucking broke my heart. I just wanted to be lied to. Just… for today.” Ashton looks at Calum, and he looks so pathetic, begging for him like this. It wasn’t a good look on him. 

“I can’t do that for you, Calum,” he says firmly, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re my friend, Calum, but I don’t love you like you love me. I know I hurt you, but I can’t keep fucking lying to you anymore. It’s not my job to put you back together. You were broken before me. I’m not going to keep hurting you like that.” 

“I’m sorry I’m not what you signed up for,” Calum says, and there’s a darkness in his words as he looks down at his feet. He can’t bring himself to look at Ashton anymore -- if he does, he might do something drastic, and neither one of them need that right now. “I’m sorry I’m not perfect, that I have flaws, that I’m fucked up, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t love me, right? _Right_?” Calum didn’t want to show his weak side, to start crying in front of Ashton like this, but he can’t fucking help it. He just wants his approval, wants it so bad. He’s willing to give anything for it. He knows it’s not healthy, but god, the thought of Ashton murmuring affirmations into his skin like he did before sends chills down his spine. 

But Calum can’t live off of memories alone -- he needs the constant of validation. Ashton was the only one who could give him that satisfaction. He wishes so hard he could find it in the arms of someone else, craves it like no other, but no one fills in the cracks in his heart like Ashton did. 

“No, you’re not,” Ashton faltered, his own words failing him as he looks at the broken man in front of him. He keeps his expression stoic, not giving way to his own heart crumbling at the sight of his best friend like this. He knows he did this, to a point. He led him on, made him believe in things he shouldn’t have. But it wasn’t his job to fix something that was already broken in the first place. He knows that. Just like knows that he couldn’t ever really love Calum like that. Like a friend, like a brother, like anything else. But not as a lover. Not as a partner. The physicality of the relationship was something he indulged in, sure, but his silver tongue gave Calum too much hope, he thinks. “And no, I can’t, Calum. I’m not built to love you. You’ll find someone else. You _will _. But that someone isn’t me.”__

__“Please, Ashton, just once,” Calum beseeches, his brown eyes finally coming up to meet Ashton’s cold hazel ones. “I won’t ask again, Ash, please. I just need this. Closure.” That’s a word that Ashton hadn’t expected to hear. Closure. It seemed fair enough to him, to grant Calum this one last wish. But he knew granting it to him would give him an excuse to want more. He wasn’t sure how they were going to go on in the band after this, but no one else knew. It would be their broken, sad secret, carried in their hearts, a dark reminder of the last year._ _

__“You’ll find it somewhere else, I have no more closure to give you, Calum,” he maintained. “I’ll see you at the studio.” With that he closed the door, and left Calum on his steps, his heart shattering more than it ever had thought possible before. No one would ever be able to pick up the shards that were left, there were too many of them._ _

__He was going to have to suffer alone, he thinks, and do his best to bury these feelings in a grave, along with the memories of Ashton with him._ _


End file.
